To be happy again

She whispers
“Isn’t this freedom?”
I shook my head in disbelief
Gazing at the ground I stood above.

“It’s not.”
Obviously, why would this be it?
Scraping only pieces of memories left,
“It’s not how I remembered it.”
I was building a legacy, an effigy, immortality.

I was lighting a torch for millions of souls to see.
A spark in the deepest night,
At the darkest hour.
Reminding myself, of the light at the end of the tunnel.

“What if it wasn’t a tunnel,
It is a sphere, only surrounded by roots and stems of bad speech and sad memories.
And the only light was out of your reach.”

The thought came across all of a sudden,
A wave of emotions and hope shook me to my core.
There was never a light at the end of the tunnel,
No one to save you in your defeat.
Nobody, sometimes not even yourself.

It’s the thought that you have to fall,
To the muddy water below you,
Grasping for air,
Reach for something that’s not there.

You’d realize then,
I lost.
You’d come to terms with your defeat,
And how it swallowed you whole.

There wasn’t any light at the end, nor hope, happiness, or freedom.
From the depth, you ought to dig it out yourself.
Can I afford to dig the trenches of the ocean hidden inside, to find these pieces?

“You told me you wanted this.”
She added.
“And you’re going to let yourself go down that path again?”

“No,”
I Interrupted.
Yes, it’s a long and winding road.
It feels like you’re traveling a thousand lifetimes.

“But to be grateful that you’re alive,
You have to drive yourself to the brink of death.”
She sighs,
“Suicide? You had this thought a million times, and not once you did it.”

An analogy,
To gain something, you have to give something in return.
To find happiness, the thought of giving in to my sobriety reeks.
But once I sunk so deep, the drive to find it once again may arise.

“And you’re in content to leave all of this behind?”
She concluded.
“Yes.”

It’s not easy,
Letting everything go,
But it’s a must,
Redeeming memoirs of my name,
To find another meaning within.

“I have to let go.”
“You don’t have to.”
I turn my head over to her,
“We’ll let you go, but know we’ll stay with you throughout the journey.”

For better or worse, she gave a hint of a smile
But I know it crushes her,
She was there from the beginning,
But I need to go.

“Go.”
She stops, her voice cracks, eyes swollen almost bursting into uncontrollable tears.
“We’ll be here, go.”

“Sorry.”
“Don’t be,”
“We were here, and we will still be here if you decide to peek in again.”
“I won’t be long.”
“Don’t promise us, be long, go and do what you’re meant to do.”
“If that’s what your heart desire and your head resolve. We’d understand.”

I turned my back over her and walked into the distance.
Knew it might be my last chance to see them, to see her, to feel her.
I know what I must do.

I’ll save myself before others,
then I’ll light a million fires in people,
by setting an example,
I’ll find that satisfaction in the end.

“Don’t come back.”
She whispers, drowning in her tears.
Tears came rolling down my eyes,
“I’ll try not to.”