In Moments of Anger
Reference of Audio: Devil Inside Me—Frank Carter & The Rattlesnakes
You set the stage — the burning skies, a crack in the horizon — all because of some shimmering wave that caught your attention. I wonder how shameful it is for you to be so honest with reality.
Wake up — an admission to your fault has nothing to do with being either right or wrong. If you truly believed in trust, you wouldn’t be blinded by the hurt or, for a fact, any emotional regards.
In all honesty, I am a hypocrite too. It took me a long distance to actually feel responsible for what I did, and shame is at my core for my terrible persona. I only had the epiphany that words mean everything until the very last period was preached by those who said it.
I express my greatest rage imagining the nights that went by — those brilliant gems of eyes, tucked away by humanoid filth, manifesting and manipulating the instability of one psychological state. You had a grip on reality, a logical sense to believe in right and wrong, more so than I did.
Losing yourself in that digital utopia by being a personification of who you truly are — what are you running away from? Is it the impact of your own selfish desire to seek escapism into the screen monitored by an anonymous figure, hungered only by lust?
I envy you; to be so capable of turning your back on emotions when needed the most. Yet you act all mighty when it suits your purpose. I am eager to hear the thoughts of many — when all that was mentioned was a mutual agreement. But, in the end, the very fact of it all was decided by you.
Rage does, in fact, hurt yourself, little by little. But, if you wanted anger — if you wanted rage, I’ll give it to you by asking:
Who filled my head with the promise to believe in return for compensation of words that, in the end, it will all be okay?
Who purposely ignored every discussion on feelings and emotions? All I asked was to be able to open up about these matters, but you told me, ‘It has yet to come, so why bother to discuss it?’ And when it did, you still refused to do so.
Who was the one who eagerly mentioned that decisions should not be made in haste, yet it only took several moments for you to come to terms that I, myself, was not worth fighting for?
Who took the liberty to call me out for seeing things in a single perspective, yet when it suits you — you see it from your own boxed-out vision?
Who told me to be patient, despite all my impatience, as I had to suppress my emotions, yet you too are impatient in believing in second chances?
Who gave a single speech about boredom, but all you do is live in the dull life staring at an unrealistic vision of the romance you so envision? And you choose to ignore the one who was willing to give you the entire world?
Who told me that it was just a phase, a singular moment in our lifespan, as I warned you that phases like these should be discussed to rekindle the spark that was long gone?
Who mentioned a dislike in perversion, but all you do is thrust your desire on images of digitized characters talking in a disgusting manner of speech until you feel a drop of care and attention to these figures?
You told me that you had regrets, you wanted to fix things; but you didn’t. You were so ashamed of yourself that you had to run to your own little world again because life treated you differently. But every time it did to me; all you said was,
‘Life is never fair.’
I saw you as an equal, I protest because you see me below you. You told me that people gave up on you; they hurt you. Yet you return the favor by dragging a dagger up my very throat.
But then again just like I did once before, I suppress these emotions to a single speck of document that represents the hate in me.
I will let this go — if it means for you to be happy and continue on with your life. I’ll gladly suffer one more time just to see you smile.
You see — even in my darkest moment; all I felt was care and love. Those will fade in time, and the hurt will crumble away; as I am pretending to be okay at this very moment — and until one day; it doesn’t feel like I’m pretending anymore.
18:11–6th of December 2023
