A Convenience

I would always observe the world through the passenger seat’s rear-view mirror. Yet, the question persists:

“Have I ever had any control in the first place over the years I have been alive?”

Although I inhale the same air as all of you, I cannot shake the feeling that, at times — especially during crucial moments — I was not in charge of any decision on my own.

The thought of life is like an empty canvas, stapled to a wood that holds firm from one corner to another.

As a child and throughout the entirety of the speck of the soul’s existence, we would paint sturdy colors of our choosing into a bigger picture.

Sometimes, the portrayed image is less appealing than our initial mental visualization. Yet, we can always add layers of paint on top to restart anew.

There is a realization in each of our minds that we tend to mess up.

Another metaphor would be, “You always expect the worst to come, but if you never turn the page, you will never know what the next chapter has in store for you.”

I find the idea amusing, comparing life to the pages of what we call “The window of life.”

Yet, in contradiction to the premise of imagination, I believe that idea is the essence of life itself. It is a roller-coaster in motion, full of emotions; however, at times, one gets stuck on a single image or a chapter, while other times it is easier to coat the entire landscape with a stroke of color block or a page-turner of a chapter on its own.

However, what if the piece was not the prologue of the book? Moreover, what if you were given a page that was not to your desire, or the longing to create a masterpiece only to be handed a second-rated sketch. It was not your own, never yours to begin with.

Just the fact that you were given it because you were expected to accept it.

Humor me; it is not what it seems as I silently stare at the mirror throughout the second act of the scenario written by one above all.

I relinquish all control in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, life will go a certain way I hoped it would. Yet, happiness intersected in my view only for a glimpse of a moment. In time, what went by was only the passage of grief, solidified by what surrounds me in a temporal effect.

“When you’re feeling down, this too shall pass. When you are venting up anger, this too shall pass. When you are skipping in happiness, this too shall pass.”

There was this interview with some celebrity that caught my attention — I believe it. After all, we would say that life is spherical, a circle in that manner.

At times we are above, at other times, we are way below. Yet, every time it did, personally for myself, it was a matter of convenience.

Exhibits A to C would be along the lines of: “I was there at that time.” “I was free at the moment.” “He seems down for it too.”

If not, at another time, it will sound like: “You are capable of breaking the ice.” “You have the mobility to pick us all up.” “You’d be able to bridge between us.”

What hurts more is that whatever I said was a potential future that was not set in stone, but it led up as I imagined it would be.

I would say some samples that were looping throughout my life as if the tape has looped back around: “It doesn’t matter at the moment, as long as I can make the most out of this.” “I’d prefer if you choose the second option rather; whatever floats your boat.” “I’ll stay in touch, you’ll see.”

I was capable of understanding, but once the fact leads on to the bitter circumstances that I envision; at times I wonder: was I considered and regarded as such, or was I merely a convenience?

The ability to give it a hundred is disregarded as naïve or pitiful; yet, all my life, it was all I ever knew to do so.

However, the amount of energy I present towards something or someone is never aimed back at me in any form. At times, I would suck it up and understand to do whatever is necessary — well, it was expected of me, is it not, dear readers?

“Well, that’s the way it is, I guess.” “It is what it is.” “What can I do anyway?” Those are my general reactions towards many things — stoic at most. But I cannot help but wonder, whatever I did in the past, I am paying a lot of karmic debts now as it comes full circle.

So, when you wonder, why the solitary lifestyle? Well, I never expect things from myself; I can hardly be disappointed in myself.

Whatever does not work my way, I can always do something that will mend the wound; albeit unnecessary at times. Oh, now that I am content with all of this, in some ways, it might be hypocritical for me to say this, but, “Anyways, I guess that’s the way it is.”

But in all actuality, I am happy, and at the very least, this is convenient to my very own self — even though, in the eyes of many, I will always be second in priority.

Well, I guess that is okay in some aspects.

“Anyways, we move.”

Isn’t that what they usually say? I guess we’ll add it to the list.